As summer takes hold, temperatures soar and holiday romances suddenly seem a totally sensible thing to do rather than a doomed expedition into the world of gonorrhoea, sex on the beach is back on the menu. I mean, it has to be amazing. They named a cocktail after it, right? Sure.
If the urge to get down and dirty in the dunes is too forceful to ignore, how do you go about it? Is it really as good as it looks in the movies? Anything to watch out for? Anything to make it better? Luckily I have the answer to all these questions!
What are the beach sex essentials?
In Hollywood, a seaside shack-up usually just happens: eyes meet across a cocktail bar; dreary chat-up lines drive the plot forward; wandering off hand in hand; then boom, they’re sliding to the ground and, if it’s a PG-rated film, the shot fades into a sunrise or the pair of them a few minutes later looking distinctly unruffled and unbothered by what they just did.
In reality, spontaneity costs, and rolling round on a beach in the throes of passion without preparation is a recipe for disaster. You will, at the very least need some kind of protection, both from the sand and other dramas such as STIs or, worse, children. A large towel laid as flat as possible will help prevent sand getting into intimate areas and perhaps another one to cover yourselves while you’re doing it – unless your kink is a bunch of tourists on a twilight stroll pointing at you and screaming that someone’s being murdered.
Wet wipes might be a good idea, to get the sand off you and clean anything else up. And a plastic bag to put your condom in, which you will then take with you because nobody wants to see a toddler running excitedly toward their horrified parents the next morning shouting they’ve “found a balloon”!
What timing is right?
Night-time is probably best. For some reason rutting on a beach in broad daylight feels quite tacky – unless you’re on a private beach rather than one crammed with holidaymakers trying not to lose their lunch at the sight of you.
It’s a bit like having sex on an aeroplane really – totally works if you’re a handsome playboy or gorgeous heiress doing it on a private jet in a Jackie Collins novel, but somewhat dulled if you’re frotting on the back row of a packed Ryanair flight under a pile of coats. It’s also a good idea to time it when there’s least chance of a law enforcement officer popping up from behind a deckchair and arresting you for gross indecency, as they are wont to do.
What are the perfect conditions?
Well, summer, obviously. Sex on a beach in winter is a bit “deleted scene from a Lars von Trier movie” really. For perfect beach bonking, you need warm, dry weather, without too much wind, as sand in your eyes while you climax is the very definition of bittersweet. Probably even better is somewhere with a sun lounger or two that you can fashion into a bed for optimum comfort.
If you’re going to add water to the equation, make sure the sea is calm to avoid a situation where a coastguard is hoisting you out of the roiling brine, locked together naked in terror. Somewhere secluded is good, yes, but wandering too far from civilisation leaves you open to dangerous situations such as potential thieves, interrupting another couple in flagrante or being chased with an air rifle by a furious landowner.
The sand versus pebbles debate has raged on since holidaymakers of yore first spread out their capes for a nice sit down and a goblet of otter’s blood, and when it comes to sexual intimacy there’s no clear winner. Shingle beaches offer a reduced risk of sand getting in and about you, but ouch! It’s a beach that pretty much hates you and wants to make your stay as uncomfortable as possible.
Sandy beaches have a more romantic nature but, well, sand. Position-wise, missionary isn’t great as it disrupts the sand more, so one partner lying flat with the other person on top is probably the most comfortable. Doggy style is the perfect position for almost complete avoidance of sand in your genitals, but balance can be tricky.
Which location is best?
The more exotic the better usually, but Blackpool’s Golden Mile or Brighton’s rocks have a certain allure. The best place to have sex on the beach is somewhere that won’t send you to prison if they catch you. You really don’t want to be that one Brit a year who ends up plastered all over the tabloids because a hand-job has resulted in a 30-year prison sentence. So that’s a no for Dubai then.
Should I worry about the sea?
The big dilemma when considering beach sex is whether or not to involve the main reason the beach is there in the first place: the sea. Thanks to Burt Lancaster and Deborah Kerr making it look easy in From Here To Eternity – spawning scores of Hollywood copycats – many couples have long dreamed of re-creating that famous passionate embrace as the tide washes over them. Spoiler alert: the approaching tide is not just water, but sand, seaweed, marine life, salt, shells, stones and bottle tops and absolutely all of it will go right up your backside.
If you really can’t live without feeling the burn of saltwater on your scrotum, at least try to stand up while you’re doing it or pose like a crab while your partner spins around on you or something. Be inventive!
Or maybe just do it in your hotel room – nobody will think less of you, honestly. It’s either that or, ten months later, finding yet another grain of sand in your navel. Or worse.
